2004-06-30: 7:30 p.m.
Sugar and spice and everything nice?...is that what girls are made of?
On days like today when something totally off-color happens do i actually begin to think about myself..i wonder who i really am...what im working for...how i got here...then im reminded of all the shit i've been through; and i picture this giant wall. The one i created, it's huge. Stone Bricks taller then the eye could see, there is moss growing at its base and ivy creeping over jagged pieces. Truly an awe inspiring thing really to look at. All its bricks different shapes and sizes and colors of earth. Some shiny and filled with mica chips, over dull and faded and crumbling under the pressure of the weight of this wall. It extends as far as the eye can see, and even further. But if one were to look closer they would hear the wall creaking, a soft almost inaudible sound, ethereal in nature. And to look at individual bricks and see the carvings. The pain and sorrow filled language that's inscribed there. And they would realized almost as if being struck...the wall, and each brick a piece of my pain, hurt, anger, rage and jealousy. They would see me for every flaw i have and everything that i am.
But most just choose to look at the wall and be content to just see the moss and the ivy and hear the birds in the distant trees. People like the bliss of ignorance. Most people are happy there. Just observing the foliage, taking pictures to share with friends...simply tourists in the place we call life.
Now onto what brought this all on...Last night it was discussed with my rapture and i that he would like to try his hand at writing erotica. And i thought it was a great idea!...we all think it but it takes a special person to write it. He told me today while i was at work that he was going to write some today...It was the manner in which he told me...it sounded some personal and intense. He said he would think about me and all the naughty things i do, he would pleasure himself and write about it in erotic, poetic form. I was certainly excited to the core.
I later called him, because he got busy doing whatever to call me. (oh and might i mention that he let me go the first time because he was talking to firefly.)Then when i called him back, he said he just finished writing it and he let firefly read it. I was pissed! imagine, something so personal. the way he had told me he was going to write the piece. And she was the first to read it! I was thinking personally that i would come home and read this alluring thing and then we could make love, or fuck...whichever we felt like...but then to have all this tainted really when someone else was the first to read this new thing that he had never tried before...i don't even want to read it anymore. I have no interest. And this all bothers me. Maybe it shouldnt maybe i'm just being an idiot. I dunno...what do you think?...
Sometimes i think i just hold too many expectations for people and, i know they dont read minds. But sometimes i just wish they would. He said i didnt really think it would be a big deal. I didnt think you'd be bothered so much.
Anyway, I hung up the phone on him without saying goodbye or even i love you. He didnt call back, not even a text message, that kinda bothered me minorly. Then he left the house and went to firefly's house and installed her web cam for her.
Something is twisting inside. I dont know what i should think, or if this is even expressable through the english language or not. I feel sick. I wish i just knew what this odd emotion was so that i could abolish it and mae it simply another brick in my wall. I think if i could choose a color for this new brick it would be dark in color, marble maybe...rough marble, you know before its been polished for your bathroom counter. It would be rigid, with painful little pieces sticking out. It would have no inscription because i think its painful texture would be enough of its definition.
Just add another brick to my wall
One more piece to the Sky
snapped?...yes i think i did (pardon the brain train off track) - 2004-11-22
An Untitled Poem - 2004-11-14
a Movie Review... - 2004-11-11
a lovely start to a crappy day - 2004-11-09
- - 2004-11-08
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