2004-07-01: 12:22 a.m.
Biography of the Sky
Let us begin here with the fact that I remember nothing of my childhood unless it was told to me by parents or other relatives. My only true memory is when we lived in a house (my parents and I) and I remember that there was a door in the kitchen that went down to the basement. My father hung his hair brush on a nail just inside the door and brushed his thinning hair everyday. Pretty obscure eh?...yup that is all I remember until I got much older even some of my teen years were a blur.
Anywho, when I was born my left hip wasnt completely formed yet...I couldnt walk, or move much for that matter...so after a year I was fitted with a brace that I had to wear 24 hours a day...I had to wear this brace for about a year or so...my mother was so disturbed that her child wasnt "perfect" that there are no resulting pictures of this year of my life. Thus begins the shitty relationship with my mother. She is a gold digging whore and I resent her every breath. She began cheating on my father when I was probably 11 and did this for a good year. She constantly called me fat, chunky...she had me in the doctors office all the time trying to find out why I was a chunky child...the doctor pulled her aside and told her that if she continued with such actions that I would grow up with major self-esteem issues(Whoa!!..imagine that!) She didnt listen and continued with her beratement.. Anyway, about the her cheating thing...she eventually asked my father for a divorce...but if that wasnt enough she had stolen several of my fathers paychecks and ran away with her new man that was old enough to be my older brother. So none of the bills were paid for months. A few weeks after she left they turned the electricity off, the t.v and the phone...it took a few weeks for my father to get caught up with the bills. Living with no electricity because your mother stole all of the money is an interesting concept to live with.
During this divorce my parents had me go through counseling, thinking that it would be easier for me to make a decision about who I wanted to live with without having to talk to my parents who obviously had biast opinions. (I do not remember much of this and I was 13. Obviously traumatized) I apparently told the shrink that if I were to live with my mother I would kill myself. So the doctor told my parents that I would then live with my father for my own livelihood. And so I did....
Things were fine for a long time...I suppose. When I was about 18 my father began dating this woman...I hated her and she, me. She told me that I didnt love my father. And that she was more important to him then I would ever be. This hurt. I loved my father with everything I was. I respected him with all my heart and soul. I hated her...
That thanksgiving I worked at my own job and got enough money to visit a friend of mine in virginia. I was gone for a week, when I returned...I entered the house...it was empty. All the furniture...everything was gone. My father had abandoned me. All I could do was collapse to the floor and cry. I heard a phone ringing shortly after that.And noticed that there was still a phone attatched to the wall. I answered in hysterics...it was my father and he said in a chilling voice. You have an hour to pack your things...we have a room for you. I packed all of my things as fast as I could in anything I could. Throwing so much away...so much that made me, me. I lost a lot of myself that day. Firefly, mentioned stil in this journal came to my aid. She helped me load all my stuff in her car. My father arrived and there was a fight of course. I had no idea what was going on. He lead the way to the new house. When I was showed my room again I fell to my knees and cried...it was a closet. Literally. He lied, there was no place for me. I couldnt stay there...This began the downward spiral of my life. I moved into a room at firefly's house. I never left that room but to go to school. I would come home and lock myself in that room and cry untill I fell asleep. Only to do the same thing the next day.
A few months later my mother found me. She came to take me out for coffee. I hadnt seen her much and at that point I just needed someone to pull me out of the hole I had sunk into...I realize now I should've just stayed there. She told me that I was horribly depressed and that I should come live with her and seek counseling...thinking this might be an ok idea...I did. I got the counseling and they put me on "happy-pills" I lived at her house for a while. Maybe a year. I ended up in a mental hospital over night because I tried to kill myself by O.Ding on sleeping pills and alcohol. They found me near comatose in my room and took me to the psych ward. I was forced to sign myself in...I was told that if I signed it I could go home the next night. But if THEY had to admit me then I would stay as long as they thought I would need to.
I've never been so terrified in my whole life as I was that night...well perhaps...but we'll get to that part. I was put on the rehab floor. With all of the heroin addicts who were feigning for drugs. I didnt belong there...there is something eerily frightening about hearing people moaning at four o'clock in the morning because they need a fix. People scratching at your door because they think you might have some. The next morning I was woken up at the ass crack of dawn to go to self-help meetings with all the drug-addicts. Not really a good time...I wasnt a drug addict...just a kid who wanted to die. But I have to say I'm glad I didnt. I had so much pain to experience in my life.
A year or so later I think I was almost 20. My mother called at my place of employment to tell me that she had put all my stuff out on the street and if I wanted it to come and get it. I couldnt leave work...it just wasnt that kind of job...later around 11ish that night I went to her house and foudn that most of my stuff had been stolen. I grabbed what I could and moved in with a friend of mine who happened to be much older then I. She obviously had issues. She was married and had three kids. I hated living there...she was as addicted to the internet as I was and terribly unhappy with her marriage. I ended up dating a good friend of mine...(come to find out he was gay) we dated for about 8 months and I felt worthless... We slept in the same bed and ever once did he ever touch me...or show any affection towards me...I began to think I was ugly, and fat again...I grew increasingly depressed...I decided I had to leave. This older woman friend and I moved into a hotel for about a month...at this time I had begun to date a guy I met at work. This older woman friend we'll call her cheryl...began meeting guys online...she brought one of them to the apartment...I thought he was pretty fun. We joked all the time about him "breaking-me" and id joke back..."ha...im too strong to be broken"...one evening I went to bed because I had to be at work early the next day...I woke up several hours later with his face between my thighs....when I actually came too and realized what was going on he was then on top of me pushing himself inside...I was crying and telling him no...pushing as hard as I could against him, he was much stronger then I ....He rolled me on top of him. And held my hips so hard I had bruises...I could hear a faint buzzing sound....it was cheryl, fucking herself and getting off on him raping me!...I was screaming and hysterical by this time. I managed to throw myself off of him and into the hotel wall...I remained fetal and crying for a while...he left the room and continued to fuck cheryl cause she was already hot...I grabbed the phone and called the boy I hate been kinda dating..he came right away. He didnt believe me. I was terribly hurt and didnt know where to turn...he slept over that night in the hotel. Cheryl and her rapist friend sleeping in the adjoining room. I went to work the next day as if nothing had happened. I tried to forget all about it. Me and this boy got an apartment after that...and that was all bad in the end as well...he was terribly over protective and every time I left the house without him he thought I was cheating on him. It goes much deeper then that...but I'm not sure I feel like getting into it. I left him and like an idiot with no place else to turn and a week before my 21st birthday I moved back in with my mother...I stayed there for about 6 months or so...Until I met another guy..(.hmm...notice a nasty pattern).
I couldnt take living with her anymore...the womans psychosis is catchy. I moved in with him...in east ja pee-pee. About an hour away from everything I knew. It seemed like planets apart. I had joined a coven at this time I had been practicing the craft since I was 16. And finally decided to join a practicing group. Which was great...until I realized how corrupt these people were...which unfortunately was 2 years after I first joined...in dating this new guy I realized how much of a child he was...he could hardly do his own laundry or keep a steady job...a year and a half went by with me dating him. He was also a compulsive liar. I had to leave...I then moved in with my high priest and priestess..probabl the worst thing I could've done. They are manipulative bottom feeders...getting well fare when they don't really need it...its horrible. Anyway...I enjoyed my single life for a while and then it happened....I slept with my rapture...I had always kinda thought he was handsome...and when I invited him upstairs He actually came...I didnt actualy intend to "sleep" with him...but damn was it good that I did...I love him...and together we are now...
I'll add more later...of this I'm sure
snapped?...yes i think i did (pardon the brain train off track) - 2004-11-22
An Untitled Poem - 2004-11-14
a Movie Review... - 2004-11-11
a lovely start to a crappy day - 2004-11-09
- - 2004-11-08
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